Am I Afraid of What Others Think of Me?

 "The Miseducation of Cameron Post" by Emily M. Danforth is about a gay teenage girl, Cameron. She rebels against her conservative ranch town and she get sent off to a gay conversion therapy center because her family decides she needs to change her ways.I notice many personalities about Cameron; before the discovery of her being gay and after. I think even though Cameron is free-spirited, but is still aware of what others might think of her.

One way which Cameron shows she's aware is when she felts relieved when her parents died. On page 29, she says, "She doesn't know about Irene and me at all. Nobody knows...Mom and Dad don't know about us. They don't know, so we're safe-..." This shows that Cameron is aware of what her parents might think of her "experiment" with Irene because she doesn't want her parents to find out. This is sort of beyond the whole "aware of what people think of her" part. Cameron is worried that her parents are going to find out. When her grandma tells her that she has some bad news, she immediately thinks of Irene and the kissing thing. This action makes me think that Cameron only thinks of the bad things; meaning only the bad things for her. She doesn't think about what her grandma just told her- her parents just died. If I were here, I wouldn't be glad my parents are dead. I would be in grave despair that I just lost both of my parents.

After a few months after her parents' death, Cameron and her friend, Lindsey start to hang out. When they both end up in a changing stall, evidence shows up of their attraction. Cameron is sort of self conscious when she comes out of the booth. Outside the booth, a group of girls on Lindsey's team are aware of what happened. Because of their "masks of disapproval, sneering mouths and squinty eyes," she ran away from them. She tried to "run" away from her problem. She didn't like the fact that the other girls knew because she thought it was sort of easy for her to pretend like nobody else had noticed anything about her, about Lindsey and her. I feel like Cameron only wants the secret to be between her, Lindsey and God. She doesn't want anybody else involved because she thinks that everything would be better if nobody knew at all. I feel like knowing that nobody knows is a great feeling, but it is still a great burden. Like if nobody knows your secret, you feel safe, but at the same time, you feel like you are in closed quarters. No one knows at all. I believe this is how Cameron feels like because she feels better if only a few people know her secret. But I think that maybe int he back of her mind, she feels like she's going to burst if she doesn't tell.

When Cameron discovers her attraction to her friend, Coley, she doesn't feel secure telling her. On page 172-173, Coley says, "We can find you a cowboy in no time. Or two cowboys. Twelve cowboys." In responds, Cameron thinks, "Or how about a cowgirl?" This shows that Cameron wants to show Coley her true self instead of the one she is told to be, but can't because Coley might not agree with her. I think that Cameron has this gut feeling that she is able to tell Coley that she's gay, but then has her 'devil' telling her not to because she doesn't want to 'scare' her away. It shows that Cameron doesn't have a strong "gut-going feeling" because she cares of what others think of her when she tells the world she's gay. It makes me think that Cameron is insecure of herself.

In conclusion, Cameron is really a girl who wants to let the world know who she really is than who she is suppose to be. She feels scared that others will run away from her and ban her to another corner of the world. She wants everybody to know that she is not what everybody wants her to be, she wants to be herself. I feel like that is a big issue in the real world. People should be allowed to be who they are than who they are "suppose to be."